


its not subtext

by katrinawritesthings



Category: SHINee
Genre: Aromantic, Brotp, M/M, NB, Nonbinary, Other, Pansexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 09:51:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13808718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katrinawritesthings/pseuds/katrinawritesthings
Summary: when you meet your fave just sitting on a bench in the park at five in the morning and writing a song“Remember that time,” Jonghyun starts slowly, rubbing his thumb over the eraser of his pencil. “I said I wasn’t gay, and everyone lost their shit, and started saying I’d said I was straight, even though that’s not what I said at all?”tumblr





	its not subtext

Jonghyun’s breath is a cold mist over his notebook. He watches it fade out into the grey morning air blearily, then picks up his thermos of tea for a sip. Putting it down again, he licks his lips and keeps them closed before he gets distracted by his frost breath again. He has lyrics he’s trying to write.

He nibbles the end of his pen as he reads over what he has. It’s pretty good, he thinks, for a fifth revision. He feels like he could show this to his manager now. Maybe. After he tweaks the melody a little bit. He reaches for his note sheets under the notebook, pulling them up to hold next to his lyrics. Going through the bridge of the song in his head with a bitten lip, he hums softly to himself. He’ll work on that later.

It’s as he’s reading over his lyrics another time that he hears soft footsteps coming closer on the pavement. He looks up, surprised that someone else is out here in this damp park so early. Shuffling down the sidewalk is who looks to be a sleepy young adult, dark hair hidden under a snapback cap and a steaming coffee cup in their hand. Their hoodie has the logo of a local community college splashed over it. Jonghyun looks away with disinterest once he identifies them. Nothing special. He taps one lyric, “pathetic,” and puffs his lips. That’s not right.

“Morning,” the kid mumbles as they get close enough to pass Jonghyun. Jonghyun blinks, looks up, smiles politely and nods his head.

“Hi,” he says, and looks back down to his work. As he’s underlining the word, he hears the college kid’s footsteps stop, right in front of him. Looking up, he finds them just looking at him, eyes sleepy but still wide, one little finger lifted from their coffee to point at him. Oh. They’ve recognized him.

“Are you…?” they ask, a puzzled frown on their lips. Jonghyun considers for a moment lying; then, a closer look at their snapback shows him his own label and design. Instead he shrugs and nods. They would know instantly.

“Yeah,” he says. “Hi,” he says again, smiling a little fonder, a little warmer this time.

“Uh, hi, wow, um,” college kid says. They move like they’re going to run their fingers through their hair, hit their cap, almost knock it off of their head, and just rest their hand on the curve of their neck instead, pink creeping up in their cheeks. “What, um,” they say. “What are you doing here?” they ask. Jonghyun looks at them for another calculating second before he shrugs again.

“Insomnia,” he says. He figured they could tell that he was writing and were asking more about why he’s here at the ass crack of dawn.

“Do you live around here?” the kid asks, and then, almost immediately, they scrunch their face and shake their head. “Sorry, no, that was creepy,” they mumble. “Sorry. I’ll just. I’ll go.” They turn quickly and make to shuffle away.

“I’m visiting some friends,” Jonghyun tells them before they take two steps. They hesitate; turning back to Jonghyun, their brows raise so much their hat twitches up with them.

“Yeah?” they ask. Looking back at him from this angle, the rising sun throws their face into a better light and Jonghyun can actually get a good look at them. Their face is round, with thick lips, a wider nose, and dark brown eyes that look like hey would squint into little crescents with the smallest smile. Their hair is a dark reddish brown under their cap, little tufts sticking out from where it’s gotten messy on their walk. They’re cute.

“Yeah,” he says. “Not famous friends, just. Friends.” He shrugs, twirling his pencil in his fingers. College kid looks back at him, obviously unsure of what to say; the longer he looks at their face, the more Jonghyun thinks that they look about the same age as him. Maybe a little older. “Are you going somewhere important?” he asks. He can give them an autograph or something before they leave. He just wants them to feel comfortable and not rude.

“Oh, um,” they say. They glance over their shoulder and back. “I was gonna sit by the pond for a while.” They gesture behind themself at a bench further along the path park.

“Why don’t you sit here for a while instead?” Jonghyun offers gently. He pats the bench next to him, enough space for them to sit a polite distance away. “If you want to,” he adds after seeing them hesitate. “I’m writing, but you can ask more questions if you feel comfortable.” He hardly ever gets one-on-ones with fans, let alone as calm and sleepy as this interaction is. It’s probably a little selfish but he wants to actually experience it. College kid hesitates for another moment, then bites back a smile and sits a careful distance away from Jonghyun on the bench. Jonghyun gives them a friendly little grin and looks back to his lyrics. Hmm. Where was he.

“Pathetic,” he mouths to himself. That’s where he was. And he was changing that word to… hmm. Pitiful?

“I’m Jinki,” College kid tells him then. Jonghyun glances up, interested. Ooh. Jinki. That’s a nice name.

“Nice to meet you, Jinki,” he says. Jinki smiles a little wider at his knees. Jonghyun bites his own fond smile when he returns to his notebook. His fans are always so cute. “You go to a community college around here?” he asks curiously, looking up a second later. He knows that if he doesn’t ask now then he’ll forget forever. Jinki glances at him, then looks away quickly, but nods, papping the logo on their chest.

“Yeah, uh, on the other side of the lake,” they say. “My, uh. Seventh. Year.” They rub their hand over their mouth self-consciously. “I’ve, uh. Been taking it kinda slow,” they mumble. “Depression, and… you know, just, Life. Things. You know.” They shrug twice. Clearly they’re embarrassed by their progress rate, but Jonghyun nods encouragingly.

“That’s good, though, that you’re still going,” he says. “You shouldn’t rush yourself to do things quickly just because other people can do them faster.” Taking one’s time is important. Jinki quirks a thankful little smile at their knees and nods. Jonghyun nods back, then turns again to his writing. He’ll let Jinki make the next move when they’re ready.

Jinki doesn’t say much; they mostly just sit there with Jonghyun, sipping their coffee and yawning into their sleeve every few minutes. They’ve taken a breath like they wanted to say something a couple times, but deflated after. Jonghyun doesn’t mind. He’s always liked quiet company and he doesn’t want to rush them. He just does his work, testing out how different words feel in his mouth and how they sound in the basic melody he has planned out. He can tweak that later if he needs to to fit better, but when he’s this far into the revision process he likes to at least have a guideline.

He’s rereading his chorus for the millionth time when Jinki takes another big breath and actually follows it up with words this time.

“I’m… not… straight,” they say quietly. Jonghyun blinks, hand pausing over his notebook, surprised. Oh. He wasn’t expecting this. “Like, heterosexual, I mean,” Jinki adds. “I’m… not. That. Or cis. I think. I don’t know.”

When Jonghyun looks up at them, they’re staring at their hands clasped tightly around their coffee in their lap. The way they’re avoiding eye contact is more familiar to Jonghyun this time. This time, he understands the emotion behind the avoidance.

“I’m not entirely sure what I am,” Jinki mumbles, “but. Just. Not to tell you your own sexuality right to your face or anything, but. Your music, and, your lyrics, and, the things you say… make me feel safe. And… normal. And accepted. And okay. And–” They cut themself off with a cross between a shrug and a shake of the head. “Just. I relate a lot to the things you put out in the world, so. Um. Thanks. For doing that.” When he finishes, he looks up, catches Jonghyun’s eye for a moment, and then looks back out over the park. Jonghyun watches him quietly, trying very hard to not burst with all of the emotions he’s suddenly feeling. He’s never been more validated in his life.

“Thank you,” he says eventually, once he realizes that he should probably say something in reply to that. “For being brave enough to tell me that.” He knows how terrifying coming out and being out is, even if it’s just to one person in an empty park at five in the morning. When it comes to what to say after that, though, he’s a little lost. A few fans have come out to him before, but over twitter or during fanmeets. Never something like this where he has time to think and form a full reply. He lowers his gaze back to his notebook so he’s not staring at Jinki, letting his eyes drift out of focus so the lead lines on the page blur into a soft, undistracting image.

Hmm.

What the fuck can he say that subtly says “I understand and completely relate and am also incredibly queer and write my music to help other people like us not feel so alone.” Hmm.

“Remember that time,” Jonghyun starts slowly, rubbing his thumb over the eraser of his pencil. “I said I wasn’t gay, and everyone lost their shit, and started saying I’d said I was straight, even though that’s not what I said at all?” He doesn’t look at Jinki as he says it, but he hears their soft snort.

“Yeah,” they mumble. Jonghyun nods. A little roll of eraser shaving falls from his thumb and through the slats of the park bench. Jonghyun bites his lip, trying to figure out how exactly to say he can’t come out without coming out. Jinki snorts again as he thinks, a soft breath of laughter that they muffle into a sip of their coffee.

“Remember that time you said cute tall boys made you flutter?” they ask. “The multiple times?” Jonghyun grins himself, biting it back so it’s not so big. Oh, yeah. Jinki already knows the struggle.

“Yeah,” he says. “Remember that time someone asked when I felt the most manly and I said ‘almost never?’”

“Remember that time you said if you were reincarnated you would want to be a girl and date a boy?” Jinki glances at Jonghyun out of the corner of their eye and Jonghyun finds himself giggling again as he nods. He was bad at staying in the closet before he even knew he was in there.

“Remember when I wrote Mono Drama?” he asks. That’s a gay fucking song at it’s core. Jinki snorts and nods.

“Remember when you wrote  _Playboy?”_  they ask, lifting a brow. Jonghyun muffles louder giggles into the back of his hand. Yeah, that too.

“Wait until you see what I’m writing now,” he mutters, brushing eraser dust off of his paper. Mono Drama and Playboy were one thing, but this is something else entirely on the scale. Jinki hums curiously, peeping but not really trying to read his paper. Jonghyun shields it playfully. “It’s called Cocktail, for one,” he says. “You’ll know it when you hear it.” Jinki looks at his covered paper, then raises their brows knowingly and grins. Jonghyun smiles shamelessly back. This will be a great story for Jinki to tell their friends. That they met The Jonghyun just sitting in the park and writing a song about sucking dick. If they do tell their friends, anyway. They feel like someone that would keep his privacy.

Jinki’s smile turns softer after a moment, less amused and more just simply happy. They take a sip of their coffee and lick the little drip from the rim of the cup before they speak again.

“Thanks, again,” they say quietly. “For, you know, being you and doing the things that you do.” Their voice is warm from the very core and Jonghyun feels his emotions coming back again. There it is. The validation. Nice. He nibbles the end of his pencil and smiles around it.

“No problem,” he says. “I’m glad I could help you.” That’s all he really wants his work to do for people, to be honest. That and give them little jams to wiggle to. Jinki looks like the wiggly type. Jonghyun bets they wiggle all the time to his jams.

The rest of the time they spend together, though, is silent and unwiggly. It’s a comfortable silence, Jonghyun working on his lyrics and Jinki sleepily sipping their coffee and watching the morning breeze tousle the grass. Jonghyun can feel their eyes peeping at him every so often but he doesn’t really mind. He’s a babe and super adorable. Of course Jinki wants to look. One time when he senses Jinki looking at him he glances back with a knowing little smirk and grins wider when Jinki flushes and looks away quickly. His fans are the most adorable. Taemin and his fans can suck it.

Eventually, a generic little ditty buzzes from Jinki’s hoodie pocket. Jonghyun glances at it as Jinki pulls their phone out and swipes away the alarm. They sigh in a long suffering sort of way, take another drink of coffee, and pull themselves to their feet.

“Okay, well,” they say, turning to Jonghyun with a sad little smile. “I gotta get to class.”

“Oh,” Jonghyun says. Of course. “This early?” he asks, scrunching his nose. That sounds fucking awful. Jinki nods with a groan that sounds like they’re dead inside as they adjust their bag over their shoulder.

“Thanks for letting me sit with you, though,” Jinki says. “I really um. It was really. You’re. I just. Really like you a lot,” they say quickly. Jonghyun hides a giggle in his hand. He’s flattered. “And, um.” They continue. “I was wondering, if, like, uh, you know, like, uh, if you could–would–uh–”

“Want me to sign something?” Jonghyun asks lazily, wiggling his pencil. Jinki deflates in a relieved sigh that Jonghyun said it for them and nods with a thankful smile.

“Yeah, please,” they say, taking their snapback off of their head. With the one hand they hand it to Jonghyun, and with the other they run their fingers through their dyed hair, resting it on the back of their neck. Jonghyun takes the hat easily and digs in his bag for his thick silver signing pen.

“Jinki, right?” he asks, just to be sure. Jinki nods.

“Yea–oh, actually.” They shake their head quickly, bite their lip, and quirk the tiniest, shyest little smile. “Could you put Onew?” they ask. Jonghyun smiles easily as he nods. Onew.

“That’s so cute,” he mumbles as he writes it on the brim of the cap. It sounds soft and friendly. He writes his usual quick generic love and support message, and then, after a moment of thought, doodles a little frying pan next to it. He can’t think of anything quick enough to represent his bigender aroflux ass, but the pansexual thing is good enough. They’ll get it. “Here you go, Onew,” he smiles, capping the pen and handing them their hat back. Onew’s smile spreads almost wider than their face as they take it, thank Jonghyun again, and walk away with it still in their hands, thumb rubbing over the glittery ink.

Jonghyun thinks this is the best morning he’s had all month.

**Author's Note:**

> #onew wanted to tell jong that his openness about mental illness nd whatnot was important and relatable also but they forgot lmao  
> #and they pout but they also uwu bc their fave is super gay just like them   
> #and jong uwus nd wiggles bc he lovs his lil fans and he lovs inspiring nd helping them and making them feel good inside   
> #he also sits on the bench and giggles bc he is just....... awful...... at staying in the closet if he thinks about it   
> #but then also he kinda stopped trying to stay in there like four years ago so it makes sense   
> #cocktail is. incredibly heckin homo


End file.
